I hadn’t said goodbye to anyone as I was only going to stay for a while whilst I looked for a job. I wasn’t moving here officially.
Or was I?
Saturday morning we had the car packed but I still had loose ends to tie up at the apartment. Yes, I was still going. I also had to hand back the keys to the real estate (and I was dreading that visit after the horrible call the day before – read here).
So off we went, and in I walked to the empty shell that was once my apartment. My first EVER home, all on my own. The place where I finally stood on my own 2 feet as an independent woman.
It was surreal to look at her now. She didn’t feel like home anymore.
The day before, in my haste (and overwhelmed brain), I had grabbed ALL the keys to my house and not checked what was what. So today, as I closed the door, I literally had a zip lock bag of keys (and what felt like 20 extras). Between 2 housemates and having spares etc. we had cut alot more than I was given when I first moved in and since I was already filled to the brim with anxiety at the thought of going near the real estate that had just accused me of moving out….on purpose, I decided to just sort them out later and send in the mail via express post as soon as I made it to Moranbah (ohhh did that turn out to be a sh*t fight – Note to self: DO NOT send anything via post during Mercury Retrograde, but more on that later).
Finally around lunchtime, we hit the road. It is approximately 11 hours from Brisbane to Moranbah (without adding in stops etc), thankfully though Aaron had booked us an overnight stay – basically halfway and thankful I sure was that we broke up that drive as it felt like I hadn’t stopped for a week, and after spending all morning sorting the apartment then driving 6 or more hours, I was SO ready to hit the hay.
The next morning we took our time; we enjoyed breakfast at the restaurant downstairs and then eventually got on the road. Feeling a little more refreshed than the day before.
Before we left town though, Aaron wanted to take me to the memorial gardens where his son was buried. Sadly, he had died from heart complications at only 3 months old, around 13 years ago. To say that I was humbled that he would include me in such a personal moment is an understatement.
So we drove through to the gardens and they were beautiful. They were so well maintained. There were flowers, gardens and trees everywhere and although it’s outer surroundings were brown and dry, this memorial was rich and green.
We pulled up at a little clearing and there was a brick wall with plaques along the front and his son’s had a little photo with a quote. I stopped and took time to read the other plaques whilst I was standing there, feeling in some way that I was also paying my respects to them too. In front of the wall was lush green grass with little open patches where nameplates laid. Aaron bent down and kissed his name.
Seeing your partner in that setting will both fill and crush your heart.
He was still so affected by the whole experience, but you could see he could finally celebrate his little life instead of mourning his loss.
We didn’t say anything as we headed back to the car or for the next 10 minutes down the road. For me those 10 minutes were the most intense minutes I had experienced all year, to witness a person who has lost a child, who I can see has finally made peace with the loss, who has kept on going despite his loss (even if it was a hard road), made me feel like what I was going through was a tiny blimp in my journey. I was utterly touched to the core and admired the strength and courage of any parent who had gone through such an experience.
A tear began to fall down my cheek and in silence (hoping he wouldn’t know), I cried all the way out of the town.
I later found out he knew I was crying but gave me the space I needed.
Finally I pulled it together and we kept on driving, only to get an hour or so down the road and totally and utterly lose it. EVERYTHING came out in that cry and I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing, and sobbing hard. I was a blubbering mess. I had to tell Aaron to pull over, as crying in motion was making me sick.
He came around to my door and just hugged me, he had known this was coming and was pretty proud I had made it this far without breaking down. The poor guy didn’t really know what to say, he had tried asking me what was wrong and I just couldn’t find the words. I just need to cry.
I had gone through a hard year so far and I just sobbed and sobbed for every experience I had gone through.
Rewind to January 2016: Before I lost my job, before I lost my house, I started the year on a trip away with Aaron. We had recently gone through some hard months and this trip was SO needed. To fill in some gaps, my partners ex did not like me and I had copped some seriously nasty messages and so I had to keep blocking her. I had ignored it all though but it is hard to deal with someone strongly disliking you and it was sad that her jealousy had turned her so green with envy. Plus it was always going to be a delicate situation, entering into a relationship when your partner already has children and also being the first girlfriend since they broke-up. On top of that, add a long distance relationship and you can understand why we needed some time to relax, just us.
The weekend was wonderful but a few weeks later, I sensed something wasn’t quite right, something was different. My body was trying to tell me something.
I was pregnant.
*Part 10 coming soon*