The weekend was wonderful but a few weeks later, I sensed something wasn’t quite right, something was different. My body was trying to tell me something.
I was pregnant.
I had done 3 tests and all 3 were positive. My best friend opened the front door, she called out – no answer ( I couldn’t) and then she came looking and there she found me in shock on my bedroom floor.
How did this happen? We were safe…
Finally I pulled myself together and rang Aaron and of course I had to tell him over the phone. Something I didn’t want to do. He was just as shocked as I was, so we sat in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. Then he finally broke the silence and all he said was ‘congratulations baby’. That was enough to open the flood gates. I cried and cried. I was so unsure, I was scared, I was lost, I felt alone, I was confused, I didn’t know what to do, could I be happy right now? What next step to take did I take? Could I have a baby right now? I did know what or how to feel…
I was a wash of emotions and then I was numb.
In the week that followed I was yes and I was no, then I was yes. I also still hadn’t seen Aaron. I was so scared of making the wrong decision. I was so scared of being judged for making the decision that wasn’t socially acceptable and the decision that every person you met had different views on.
When I had visited the doctor he was horrible. He gave me no indication of what I needed to do next. I had to practically beg to do a pregnancy test whilst I was there. He had just brushed it off and said – well you’ve had 3 positive tests, it’s pretty obvious that you are pregnant. Then when I had expressed how confused I was and what were the options I had, he told me to google them as he doesn’t support not going ahead ( I still find it hard to say the word), he then ended my consult with a joke – did I want to keep the pregnancy test as a souvenir? What the actual f*ck?!
I was an utter mess after that appointment, I felt in no way any better than when I started. I trusted that a trained professional would offer me nothing but support regardless of what decision – I hadn’t yet made. Aaron was furious, how could a GP behave so unprofessional. He wanted to take it further. I didn’t have the strength. What lied ahead of me was big enough.
Over and over again, I had worked out how to make it all work and for majority of the time; I was thinking everything was going to be ok. It was also such a blessing after having Endometriosis, that I was able to fall pregnant. When I had come out of surgery and I had asked if I would have any issues conceiving but there had been no definitive answer – only that I would find out once I started trying.
Children are and always have been, in my future. I love kids. I cannot wait to be a mother and I know I will make a great one. When I have children they will be my greatest achievement. Maybe I could do this?
Then the con’s started outweighing the pro’s…
It was still early days with Aaron and it was a long distance relationship, his ex still hated me and was already making our lives harder, what would it be like once she knew we were having a baby, did I want to bring child into that world?, I was on a contract basis at work and was worried about it not being renewed should I reveal I was pregnant (in hindsight I shouldn’t have bothered there – I lost my job anyway), then there were finances, where would I live, would Aaron move to me? Would I move to him? But I knew no one there and would have no support except him as a first time mother, could I cope with that? I hadn’t met his kids yet… the list was long and it was confronting. I was also still so scared at the repercussions of not going ahead. I was so scared of being judged. Before being in this position, even I had different views towards termination. Thankfully, I had tremendous support around me and each and every person (not that I told many people) told me it was our decision and not anyone else’s, I have to do what’s best for me.
And so, we made the decision not to go ahead. The hardest decision I have ever made. I wanted a baby but it was just the wrong time.
We booked the appointment and the day came. It was a very hard, our hearts were heavy and we questioned our decision right up to the waiting room. We sat in that room in tears, and we seriously nearly walked out…
Looking back at that decision though and to where I am now, to all the stress and hardship I have faced. I am glad I made the choice not to ahead because I can’t even imagine the amount of stress I would have put on my baby. I would have been so worried for both of our health and I just don’t know if I would have been strong and healthy enough to grow a child…
And so I finally finished crying in the car half an hour later – with the help of poor Aaron trying everything to help his blubbering mess of a girlfriend. As we got back on the road, we discussed the future and I decided I would live in Moranbah. I would find work here and I would live full time not short term with my man.
When we eventually made it to Moranbah, we stopped by the big red iconic bucket at the start of my new town & got a photo.
It was the start of a new chapter.
A start of the unknown.
A second chance.
*Part 11 coming soon*