The thing about being unemployed in a small town is; there is nothing to do! So you end up having TOO much time on your hands and then you fall into the overthinking department. For a woman who already overthinks on practically everything – even when she is busy – this was dangerous territory to be in! Especially when I was living in a totally new world. My view of everything was from a different angle now because it literally ALL looked different to before.
I searched jobs all day, every day. I got alot of unsuccessful emails. Due to the current climate, there were so many other people applying for the same jobs as me, that I literally had a 1 in 500 chance (ok, I am a little dramatic – 1 in 450, lol).
It’s funny, the first thing you notice after becoming unemployed is that your routine is gone. As the weeks went by, man I longed for that routine again; little did I know though, I already had one. I would literally do the same thing every day, over and over. I would wake up, clean, binge on TV, apply for jobs and go to sleep. When Aaron was off, we had the occasional trip to Mackay or a dinner at the local club but I pretty much lived and breathed Groundhog Day.
During my life I have always in some way or another either had to fend for myself or look after someone else. In other words, I have always been in control. Yet now, I can say with my hand over my heart, I am in my most vulnerable position EVER. I have HAD to let people help me. I’ve had to let my walls down.
I have had to surrender.
And for the record, it’s not easy like Sunday morning.
But as I try and get comfortable with no control, I unconsciously ended up putting more resistance towards it and thus I watched my life not having any flow at all!
This coincidentally, also happened to be the most common advice I was given by my support network.
“Let it go” (don’t sing Frozen) or “Go with the flow” (Please don’t sing Frozen)…
In a swift move of defiance and some unexpected anger, I declared:
Ahh f*ck the flow! <- that wasn’t the smartest reaction (oh FFS, now I’m singing Frozen!)
And now I enter the realm of resistance (and very consciously too) . I was blocking all flow and forcing control in every area of my life. And when things didn’t work out, I forced harder. It was exhausting.
On top of trying to control everything, I was really struggling with not knowing what my future held. Up until now I always had an inkling of what I wanted or where I thought it was going to go. I am oddly good at manifesting when I am not trying. So up until now, I had been able to work towards majority of the things I had wanted in life.
But now… what did I want? What was I meant to be doing? What was my purpose?
When I lost everything, and started again here, I had ended up with a clean slate. With all the personal development and life experience I had gained over the past few years, what I originally wanted had shifted, what I planned was different. I no longer held onto the past, but I couldn’t grasp the future and I was totally forgetting to enjoy the now.
Back in 2012 when I lived in Brisbane for 6 weeks, my Dad installed some of his wisdom upon me (and I say installed because that programming is still sitting there in my brain today). It was a recommendation of a book; The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
Dad’s interpretation of the book’s message just stuck with me. It is such a simple practice to be present in the now. Yet we all lack the ability. We are either hanging onto the past or trying to control the future. So until my Dad stopped me and explained that right here, right now, in this present moment, thinking of nothing else at all; we are enjoying each other’s company, we are both on the east coast (previously Dad had lived on the west coast) and we are both in Brisbane, we’re in a top pub and we have great beer (one our favorite things) and we are alive and healthy.
I had literally never grasped that uncomplicated logic ever before.
Remembering that day and that message, I just knew I needed to bring this back to the forefront, I needed to start living in the now again; especially if I was ever going to start moving forward.
And so the journey of my purpose had begun.
*Part 13 coming soon*